Trauma is when something really scary or hurtful happens to someone, and it affects how they feel. Talking to a trauma survivor can be tricky.
What you say can either help them feel better or hurt them more. It’s important to choose your words carefully. A therapist can guide you on how to support someone going through tough times.
In this guide, we’ll show you what to say and what not to say to make sure your words help, not harm.
It’s all about kindness, understanding, and being there when someone needs you most.
Understanding Trauma: A Quick Overview
Trauma happens when someone experiences an event that causes deep emotional, mental, or physical harm. It can come from various situations, such as accidents, abuse, or a sudden loss.
Trauma is unique to each person, and what might feel traumatic to one person might not to another. There are different types of trauma, including physical trauma (like being injured), emotional trauma (like the loss of a loved one), and psychological trauma (such as PTSD).
Symptoms can vary, but common signs include anxiety, flashbacks, nightmares, or even physical reactions like a racing heart. People with trauma might also feel disconnected from others or struggle with trust.
Healing from trauma doesn’t happen quickly, it takes time. Survivors need patience, understanding, and support to process their feelings in a safe environment.
Why Words Matter: The Power of Language in Healing
The words you choose when talking to a trauma survivor can have a huge impact. Language can be a tool for healing or harm.
Supportive and kind words can make someone feel understood, cared for, and less alone in their experience. On the other hand, words that dismiss, minimize, or ignore their pain can make them feel invalidated or worse.
It’s important to remember that survivors are dealing with deep emotional wounds. When offering support, it’s not about fixing the problem but listening with empathy. Active listening, where you give them your full attention and avoid interrupting, can help them feel seen.
Saying things like, “I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I’m here to listen,” shows you care without trying to “fix” the situation.
Language also includes non-verbal communication, such as eye contact or body language, which can reinforce feelings of safety and trust.
What to Say to a Trauma Survivor: Supportive and Compassionate Phrases
Knowing what to say can be difficult, but it’s essential to approach the conversation with compassion.
Some simple phrases can make a world of difference. Saying, “I’m here for you, whenever you need to talk,” lets them know that they aren’t alone.
Another helpful phrase is, “You are not alone in this.” Trauma survivors often feel isolated, and hearing that others are there for them can be comforting.
Acknowledge their pain by saying, “It’s okay to feel the way you do; your feelings are valid.”
This shows that you understand their emotional journey without judgment. Instead of offering solutions right away, allow them to express themselves fully.
Let them lead the conversation and share as much or as little as they’re comfortable with. Offering a safe, non-judgmental space for them to talk is often more healing than any advice you could give. This approach helps them feel respected and understood.
What Not to Say to a Trauma Survivor: Avoid These Common Pitfalls
When talking to someone who has experienced trauma, certain things can unintentionally cause harm. Phrases like, “It could be worse” or “Others have it worse” might sound like an attempt to offer perspective, but they dismiss the survivor’s feelings.
Everyone’s experience of trauma is personal, and comparing one person’s pain to another’s minimizes their unique struggle. Another harmful phrase is, “Just get over it” or “Move on already.” Trauma recovery takes time, and suggesting that someone should simply “move on” can make them feel rushed or misunderstood.
Similarly, saying, “It’s been so long, why are you still affected?” implies that there’s a timeline for healing, which isn’t realistic. Everyone processes trauma at their own pace. Lastly, avoid telling someone they need to “fix” themselves.
Phrases like, “You’ll be fine if you just try harder” or “It’s all in your head” can invalidate the trauma survivor’s emotional or physical experience.
Instead, focus on being present and supportive without rushing their journey.
The Impact of Toxic Positivity on Trauma Survivors
Toxic positivity refers to forcing a “positive” attitude on someone who is struggling with negative emotions.
While it’s natural to want to help someone feel better, telling a trauma survivor to “look on the bright side” or “just think positive” can feel dismissive.
It invalidates the survivor’s emotions and might even lead them to suppress their pain instead of addressing it. Phrases like “Everything happens for a reason” or “At least you’re not…” might seem comforting, but they can make the person feel like their feelings don’t matter.
Survivors often need space to grieve, express anger, or feel sadness, emotions that are all part of the healing process. Instead of minimizing their pain with “toxic” positive phrases, allow them to express themselves authentically.
Saying, “I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and I’m here to listen when you’re ready,” is a much more helpful response.
Let them know that it’s okay to feel their emotions fully and that you’re there to support them, no matter what stage of healing they’re in.
How to Offer Support Beyond Words: Practical Tips for Friends and Family
Supporting a trauma survivor involves more than just knowing what to say, it’s also about your actions. Be present in ways that show your care.
Sometimes, simply sitting with them, offering a hug (if they’re comfortable with it), or engaging in a quiet activity together can provide comfort. Remember, it’s important to let the survivor lead the conversation.
Don’t push them to talk about their experience if they’re not ready. Instead, offer an open space where they know they can speak when they feel comfortable. Be patient and understand that healing takes time.
If they don’t want to talk, don’t take it personally. Just knowing you’re there, offering your company, can make a difference. You might also offer practical help, such as cooking meals, running errands, or helping with day-to-day tasks that might feel overwhelming to them.
Encouraging them to seek professional support, without pressuring them, is another important step. Sometimes, trauma survivors need the guidance of a therapist to help them process their experiences in a healthy, constructive way.
Let them know that seeking help is okay and that there is no shame in it.
When to Encourage Professional Therapy: How a Therapist Can Help
While offering support as a friend or family member is crucial, trauma survivors may also benefit from professional therapy. A trained therapist can help survivors process their emotions, understand their trauma, and develop coping strategies.
It’s important to encourage therapy in a gentle way, making sure the survivor feels empowered in their decision. Saying something like, “I think talking to a therapist could help you, and I’m here to support you in finding one if you’d like,” can offer a non-pressuring approach.
Therapy types, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), are common and effective methods for treating trauma.
A therapist can also provide tools to manage triggers and emotional responses. While therapy is often an essential part of healing, always respect the survivor’s readiness and willingness to pursue it, allowing them to move at their own pace.
Moving Forward with Compassion
Supporting a trauma survivor requires patience, understanding, and careful communication. The right words can provide comfort and reassurance, while the wrong ones can deepen their pain.
By being mindful of your language, avoiding toxic positivity, and encouraging professional support when needed, you play an essential role in their healing journey.
Every survivor’s experience is different, and offering a safe space for them to process their emotions can make a world of difference. Always remember to approach the situation with empathy, kindness, and respect.
Share this guide with others to help spread awareness about trauma-sensitive communication. If you or someone you know is struggling, consider reaching out to a therapist for support. Healing starts with understanding.
